I believe this is probably the way God sees me in relation to my attitude at life's hurdles. It's as if I'm helpless, so I might as well whine about it! For Britton, crying is his only means of communication, but for me, I have been equipped to handle things more maturely, and, sadly, I often do not.
These last two weeks have been a blur. I have found myself more contemplative and less able to get things done. When a precious life is almost taken from you, it forces you to ask yourself some tough questions. And, maybe, for the first time, I have been rendered completely helpless -- at least I finally recognize this deficiency. There is/was absolutely nothing I could do to save Britton. It was & is completely a God thing. I've witnessed in my own spirit a move from restlessness to calm ... from an "I can do it myself" attitude, to a "God, have mercy on me, a sinner" attitude.
I've also gone back and re-read books or passages that have ministered to me over the past couple of years. A favorite book of mine (that most who know me can attest that I espouse its nuggets of truth often) has stepped up again during this time of conflict -- Holiness by Grace by Bryan Chapell. The following passage encourages me as I struggle to lean hard on Christ and not my own weaknesses:
"We progress in sanctification as we humbly and prayerfully depend upon the Holy Spirit to mature our wills and transform our affections so that we stay on the course that he has designed...No growing (in Christ) occurs, however, without the realization that we cannot progress in our faithfulness to God without the supernatural work of the Spirit. This acknowledgment keeps us from pride in our maturity, or from too hasty judgment of others' spiritual condition. For instance, I can be tempted to take pride in my parenting by virtue of my children's wonderful record of scholarship and conduct. However, I may learn upon my entry into heaven that the reason God so blessed me was that my faith was too weak to have persevered with the more troubled children of other Christian parents (whom I frequently judge for their apparent failings). The challenges of raising a child are as much for the sanctification of the parents as they are for the benefit of the child."
Even within the NICU, it is amazing how the sin of pride can creep into my spirit. I have only changed one (admittedly non-stinky) diaper and I already revere myself as the latest and greatest dad! :) I have a lot to learn, but I thank God for each moment He has already used Britton to point me to Christ.
2 comments:
there may have never been a truer comment that our children serve significantly to form in us parents the holiness He desires--much like marriage does, too. It is ironic that through my children I've been made so very aware of the childish things in me, and hopefully gradually shaken of those childish things.
We're so glad to see and read of Britton's progress, my friend. Peace be with you. We pray for you all.
Danny, what you said about the need to turn from an "'I can do it myself' attitude, to a 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner" attitude'" reminds me of my 2-year old niece. She's at that age where she says "I can do it." I can't help, but laugh sometimes over that because it is a true reflection of all of us. Get ready, little Britton is going to teach you a lot about yourself and about God.
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